I WAS PROMISED BEER
By Ron Flogundy
Greetings to all my biggest fans. It’s Friday so it’s time to lay down the FUD. Normally I am referring to this distinguished news source. But today, I am bringing the actual fud to all things spring. Why Ron? Spring is so great. Everything is blooming and the weather is warming up. This might all be true for some but for a grown person like me, I call BS. But first….
March Madness Mania sportsball stuff ended on Monday. In a game that was half thrilling, the UConn Huskies took down Purdon’t to become national champions. This also brought the 2nd annual Flovatar Bracket Madness contest to a conclusion. It was a tight race, well, not really. I was just trying be dramatic and nice. Jedi won by a hefty 23 points. Congrats on being the one who guessed the best mascot contest correctly.
There’s not only 1 winner in this madness challenge however. The top 5 finishers will receive prizes for their efforts. Ron is going to go ahead and make an executive decision, over step my boundaries, and remove the 2nd and 3rd place finishers because they both work for this news company. Yes, I am defying my boss and the creepy kid with the knife collection but Ron is here for the people. That means that ChiefKC, UpperLeft_Jeff, Timon, and HeavenGod will be the other winners. Here is the prize breakdown.
Now, moving on to this spring break shenanigans. All these people kept telling me how awesome this time was. Ron, go enjoy yourself on spring break they say. It’s a non stop party full of alcohol and good times. They even showed me this video to get my hyped up on what I’m in for. Check out this talented musical group.
This is what I expected. Instead, I found myself surrounded by rambunctious college kids that were pointing and laughing at me. They called me old. Can you believe that? I don’t have a grey whisker in this beautifully manicured mustache. How dare they!? After a few well placed insults directed at me, the tone of the conversation changed. They told me if I went to grab a bunch of beer, I could party with them. Not sure why they needed me to go get beer when we were right next to a bar….oh wait…I think I need to omit this part of the story for legal issues.
Once I came back with a car full of beer, the fun really got going. I quickly realized that my brain felt like I was in my 20s and could hang with these deviants, but my body knew I was in my 40s…I mean late 30s. While Lonely Island depicted my dream spring break scenario, I think this sums up more of what this whole scenario turned into.
After hours of drinking the cheapest beer to ever grace my mustachioed lips, I passed, um, fell asleep totally by choice. This was nothing like the spring break stories promised to me. To make matters worse, when I traveled home after telling the Mrs I was away doing “correspondence” work for the news, I realized the true meaning of spring break for a fellow my age. It means mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, raking the mulch, and endless amounts of other chores. It should be called spring cleaning. Genius! I invented that phrase and you can’t convince me otherwise. Needless to say, I had quite the experience and learned a lot during my correspondence work. Spring break is not for Ron. While all those morons bong Busch Light and gorge themselves with Taco Bell at 2am, I will gladly sit on my patio. I’ll enjoy the spring air, my freshly manicured backyard, a nice glass of high end bourbon, and of course some Taco Bell at 2am. You’re never too old to make a run for the border. Ron Flogundy, signing off.
F.U.D News Staff (You can now click on our photos to chat with us!)
Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.
J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.
Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.
Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.
Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.