April 20, 2024 ·

By Ron Flogundy

Kon’nichiwa FUD News fans. I, the great Ron Flogundy, am back this week to shake things up. Well, not really. I merely am announcing myself as the new Shogun (all powerful dictator) of this news establishment thanks to my new found love. I’m also here to rant about something else briefly because as Shogun, I have that power. How did this come about? Good question. Let’s get this story started and bring you up to speed.

It all began when I went to see my trusted dentist for a check up. I have to keep these pearly whites in top shape. Dr. Jamm is such a big fan of Japanese culture. Take a look for yourself.

He launched into a discussion with me about his newest favorite show called Shogun. It sounded interesting so when I got home, I decided to go ahead and give it a try. After 9 hours straight, I was left speechless with a fantastic idea. By the way, this is the point where if you haven’t watched this show on FX and Hulu, just stop, go watch it, and come back here after. I’m doing you a favor by exposing you to quality television. Give up whatever trash tv you are watching and get on this!

After being inspired by Toranaga, I have declared myself Shogun and the Flogunate has begun. What the hell does this all mean? Well, as Shogun, I have complete control of this news company now. That’s right, it’s mine! According to the show, I need to fill a few key positions.

First is my ever important translator. Since Mariko is, um, “unavailable,” I need to find the next best person. And when that wasn’t available, I settled on Peterman. She will now be known as Petermariko during the Flogunate. I need a translator to ensure my message is clear too everyone, regardless of their nationality. While visiting the land of the rising sun this week, I put Petermariko to the test and she passed with flying colors. See for yourself.

Wait. What the hell? That’s not what I said. And I’m not the Anjin. Looks like I have some work to do with her. I should’ve known when she was translating all that nonsense from the general chat between Marlin, Chickism, Notserp, and company that it made no sense and she was messing with me. No one says that kind of gibberish.

Speaking of Anjin, I need one of them as well. Anjin means pilot for all you not familiar with Japanese. There’s only one obvious pick for this. Pennytar is the only pilot I’m aware of in this establishment so by default, it’s him. You read that right. I turned my boss into my employee. The power of the Flogunate is limitless.

On the subject of different cultures, I have a fella here in the waiting room that I’ve been dying to talk to but can’t understand all of his babbling. He usually shows up too late for me to care, when I’m three bourbons deep I can’t be bothered to learn a new language for this savage. Luckily, I’ve learned Petermariko recently learned his language as well and she’s kindly volunteered….what’s that Peterman? I told you if you didn’t do this, I would boil you alive? Preposterous, that doesn’t sound like me at all. Anyway, let’s welcome this foreigner into the news room.

Hello Sir, how have you been? Are you watching the NBA playoffs that Fuch Face keeps going on about?

Petermariko: The Preston says he is so old, he remembers when the uniforms were so small you could see the players’ junk. He liked it better that way.

Ah…ok, quite strange. So Preston, what keeps you coming back to chat in Discord night after night, even as you receive Timeouts?

Petermariko: He has nothing else going on in his life and has terrible taste in podcasts.

I see. Can you ask him if he has any friends in Flovatar? Everyone has their favorites, except maybe Omcler.

Petermariko: He sends late night foot pictures to someone called Marlin (not a fish, I assume.)

This man is a disaster! Or possibly trying to run for President of the United States. Curious. He seems to be up at all hours of the night. Tell me, does he sleep?

Peterman: He falls asleep during math class apparently.

I don’t understand. Is he 15 years old or 85?

Petermariko: Time to put this butterfly in timeout again.

Well that was fun. Moving on, we are left with good ole McGee and the Kid. The Kid definitely is a samurai warrior for me. I will make him my hatamoto because he loves sharp objects and knows how to use them. As for McGee, he’s my….nothing! That’s right. Rather than being here to celebrate the beginning of my Flogunate, he’s off with Chickism and thousands of other screaming teenage girls waiting in line for the latest album from Travis’ girlfriend.

Which brings me to the worst of today. Travis’ gf decided to release an album today full of songs complaining about stuff and using the F word a whole bunch. No, not fudge. The other F word so parental discretion is advised folks. Maybe that’s why Fúch Faće likes it so much. He thinks Karen Swift is singing about him. Regardless, I have overshadowed her release by starting my own reign today. I’m sure you all agree that this is much bigger news.

In closing, I don’t usually recommend stuff. Well, yeah I guess I do. I don’t usually guarantee stuff is great though. This is fantastic storytelling. Go watch this show and thank me later. Look what its done for me! I started my empire overnight. Until next week, sayonara.

F.U.D News Staff (You can now click on our photos to chat with us!)

Ron Flogundy Sama- Lead Anchor & SHOGUN
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.

J. Petermariko Sama- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Translator
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.

Pennytar- Founder & CEO / Anjin
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.

Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.

Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.

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