IT’S ALL A MYTH….RIGHT?
By Ron Flogundy
Greetings to all my loyal fans on this “spooky” day. I, Ron Flogundy, am here with this week’s edition. Never fear, this day won’t keep me from bringing you the entertainment you crave. What’s the worst that can happen by leaving the house today? Some hockey mask wearing psycho finds me and tries to stab me? I work for a crazy clown who terrifies children while running a news outlet on the side. Nothing fazes me but I know some of you do suffer from paranoia and fear because of today so let’s get started.
By the way, don’t forget a new episode of a Dust Odyssey is out today! Those crazy Flovans need to settle down and stop leaping through time. It’s giving me the spins.
Friggatriskaidekaphobia. No, I didn’t just pass out on my keyboard and smash random letters. It’s a real word and it means having a fear of Friday the 13th. You’re probably googling it right now thinking, “Ron is wasted again and making stuff up.” While half of that statement might be true, I am definitely not making it up. What’s there to be scared of? It’s not like freak things ever happened on this date in time.
Friday, September 13, 1996: Tupac Shakur died. You might think this isn’t in Ron’s wheelhouse but I know how to “get jiggy with it.” What’s that? McGee is telling me that’s not Tupac. Will Smith sings? Huh, who would’ve guessed. Nonetheless, I was a big Tupac fan and this was a sad day. People die everyday though so this is just a coincidence that it happened on this date. I’d have to see more.
Friday, January 13, 2012: On this day, the Costa Concordia collided with a rock off the coast of Italy. It partially sank until it ran aground when winds pushed it into shallow waters. It was the largest passenger ship ever wrecked and suffered 32 fatalities. The Captain was charged with manslaughter 3 years later. Ok, another coincidence here. Cruise ships always have some crazy shit happen on them. It’s all the Mai Tais and endless buffets. Nothing screams vacation and leisure than being on a giant floating thing in the middle of the ocean with nowhere to escape.
Friday, March 13, 2020: On this day, the dude from The Apprentice declared a national emergency that officially kicked off the COVID-19 pandemic. Well, shit. Ok, this was horrible. Everything closed and there was nothing to do. I was at the end of my whiskey stash and couldn’t replenish it for months. I had to wear that mouth diaper everywhere I went which really irritated my finely grown mustache. Maybe there is something to this phobia.
Friday, April 13, 2029: That’s right. I took my Delorian and went into the future to see if this phobia holds true. On this day in the future, the asteroid called 99942 Apophis will come within 20,000 miles of Earth. Originally, this asteroid was thought to be on a collision course with our planet. They, um, re-calculated their math and figured out it will actually just miss us. Phew. Any chance those nerds at NASA messed up their math on a planet killing asteroid flying past Earth on a known superstitious date in history? Nah, math isn’t hard right?
Friday, October 13 2023: What?! Today!!! Ok, Ron is now a believer of this phobia. The pattern continues with one of the worst things that could happen. A certain famous person declared 13 is their lucky number and embraces it as much as possible. In fact, she is unleashing hell today on the entire world for everyone to suffer. That’s right. Taylor Swift is premiering her concert film today in theaters all over. This is my nightmare. All we need is more Taylor Swift. She’s already poisoning a beloved sport of mine by dating a football player. Where’s that Jason fellow when you need him.
Well, it now appears that I suffer from friggatriskaidekaphobia. I’m just going to stay in the news studio until the day is over and enjoy my secret stash of booze I hide in the office. The fact is every year has at least 1 Friday the 13th for us to live through. There can be as many as 3 in a year but that happens every 28 years with the next one being in 2026. Hmm, you know what else cycles about every 28 years? This clown named Pennywise comes to the town of Derry to terrorize children. He kinda looks like the clown who runs this news outlet. Wait a minute……..
AN ODE TO THROOP
By J. Peterman
These poems of mine are really becoming major hits huh? I really should have been a poet, there’s a lot of easy money in that career field.
This week, I’m choosing to pay tribute to a friend we see around Discord every day, who always has a friendly word for everyone. No, I’m not talking about Omcler. This one is for you, Throop.
Deep in the woods of Tennessee
The legends do declare
Lives a fabled hero of glory
With a beard of bushy grey hair
Beware if you knock on his door
He’ll won’t let you leave until
He cooks you some food and more
Just don’t touch his grill
After dinner, you’ll take a little trot
And check out his cute little ducks
He may even share a little pot
He doesn’t give a….F@$?
This legendary man that I speak of
The one that we’ve all come to love
His name is Throop, he’s as sweet as a dove
As you can see from all the above
F.U.D News Staff
Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.
J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.
Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.
Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.
Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.