March 15, 2024 ·

By Ron Flogundy

Happy Friday Ron-a-maniacs. Yeah I stole that from McGee because it just sounds better with my name on it. Besides, last I had heard our over-hyped sports reporter was lost in the wilderness while on an expedition to hunt wild turkeys. Serves him right.

Another week in the books, so it’s time to recap what you might have missed. As a bonus, I am also announcing my intent to be your fearless leader. My campaign trail begins today because it appears that anyone with a pulse can throw their hat in the ring. Let the madness begin (that is a sportsball reference for all you March Madness fans because Ron appeals to all).

The Dust Cup championship game is over and we have our first champion. The Hamiltyne Bulldogs owned by SpecialAgent (yup, still gonna spell it this way) took down KingDingaling’s (still funny every time I say it) squad 1-0 to bring home the trophy. The tournament was a fun, new event for Flovatar owners to try and hopefully it makes a return soon. Prizes to all the tournament winners and Zealy quest leaders are being finalized and should be hitting the wallets soon.

Earlier today, the epic finale to A Dust Odyssey was announced by the team. This entertaining tale is coming to its big conclusion next week and there’s going to be a little party to celebrate. Join the team, show writer Jenna (no relation to Peterman) and others Friday, March 22 at 6pm EST for a little listening party and AMA. Word is there will be a claimable float with some prizes for those who attend. Can’t wait to see how this all ends after a wild 20 episode ride. My money is on Big Dada taking over the Megaverse. I’d like to have that on record so if the time comes, the computer knows I was in its corner from the start.

Make sure you are all caught up before next week. You can find all the episodes on the Flovatar site or most podcast streaming services.

Finally, I am pleased to tell all of you Ron-a-maniacs that I am announcing my candidacy for President of…the world. That’s not a typo. The world.

My journey begins by conquering the United States first. I have many reasons as to why I am starting here. It’s an election year to start, which is great, and saves me from going the hostile takeover/coup route. Second, it seems like a no-lose situation for me. Celebrities are all over the political spectrum there. Titans of the entertainment world like Ronald Reagan (star of Bedtime for Bonzo), Sonny Bono, Arnold Schwarzenegger (no, he won’t be back), Jesse Ventura, Donald Trump, and now Aaron Rodgers have all taken their act to the capital (or state capital). Naturally, it’s a no brainer for a big celebrity like myself to make my debut.

Aaron Rodgers was the final, true inspiration for me to make my journey. I’m gonna don my “Aaron Rodgers cap” for a minute for a conspiracy theory. Aaron Rodgers never got hurt last year. It didn’t happen. There’s no actual proof of it. All just here say. He faked his injury so he can have time off from that dreadful Jets organization to polish his campaign up so he’s ready. It looks like he’s getting some positive early feedback. Check out what Jimmy had to say here.

Whoops. I guess I misunderstood Jimmy. Poor Aaron. So why vote for yours truly? I’m not here to make a long winded pitch. Just the simple details about what Ron is all about. You know how when you sit down to eat at a restaurant, there’s a water pitcher or glass of some kind with water waiting for you to pour to start your meal? Imagine that but with delicious, tasty bourbon instead. No more water. Restaurants would be mandated to start everyone off with god’s elixir.

If free bourbon to start your meals isn’t enough, how about a world full of Dust? Since that clown who owns this news company has been giving me Dust instead of a known world currency, I will change the world (starting with the U.S) to an all Dust economy. Old Ron has stockpiled some Dust and I’m going to make everyone have to use it. No more dollars or any other junk currency. Dust or bust for this president. Stock up now before I’m made leader at Increment.

I believe in people bonding and building relationships. I would mandate a weekly worldwide bonding event. I took a poll of the community and have determined that one event stands above all. Poker! That’s right. Ron can’t think of a better way for people to get along and not be angry or hostile than a calming game of worldwide poker. Anyone who does not attend will have to pay the price by watching endless 5 hour loops of Taylor Swift videos with resident superfan Chickism.

I have to hit the campaign trail (*cough* bourbon trail *cough*) and work the vote. So I leave you all with a parting message. It’s time to put the world of Flovatar on the map. When you hit your voting booths this year and find yourself asking, “Which of these esteemed actors are the lesser of 2 evils,” there is only 1 answer. Ron Flogundy is here for you.

Write my name in and show the world you know the better option. Seriously, how funny would it be for my former colleagues in the main stream media to report about Ron Flogundy getting write in votes? It tickles my mustache. Thank you and good luck.

F.U.D News Staff (You can now click on our photos to chat with us!)

Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.

J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.

Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.

Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.

Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.

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