March 22, 2024 ·

By Ron Flogundy

See what I did there with the title? Pretty clever way to tie in this week. I love patting myself on the back. Oh, for those who don’t know, I am the great Ron Flogundy. I’m back on this maddening Friday for a milestone edition of this satirical news publication. No, it’s not maddening because of the sportsball thing going on. It’s maddening because I am currently staring at 5 inches of snow on this “spring” day. What a crock of shit. El Niño my ass. Can you tell I’m a little bit mad? That’s one of Ron’s favorite words and emotions. Mad. I’m going to see how many times I can incorporate this today since we are in March Madness season. Now on to the news!

Well, we are finally here. A day Throop thought would never come. It’s the finale of A Dust Odyssey. The epic saga comes to its conclusion today and Flovatar is having a gathering to celebrate. Join the team in Discord for the AMA today at 6pm EST. I heard they are even flying creative writer of the show Jenna to luxurious…Columbus? WTF? Is that a new fancy island somewhere? Nope, it’s unfortunately still in Ohio. Yuck. Well at least I hope the private jet is nice. What’s that? Spirit? She’s on Spirit? Well, I wish her luck with that. I’m sure she’s probably stewing in her madness. I mean, I would be mad just going to Ohio, let alone on that “airline.” Just look at all these clever jabs from a fellow news anchor.

Moving on, due to popular demand, Flovatar launched its’ March Madness bracket challenge this week. Owners are tasked to pick winners in an absurd amount of college basketball games. Many did in depth research like checking school colors for their favorites, ranking mascots because that definitely impacts their play, and loads of other maddening nonsense to try and get an edge. Being the smart sportsball guy I have become lately, I decided to prep a different way in order to try and win.

Don’t ask me any questions! It’s my own little secret. Prizes are being finalized for the contestants so keep an eye out for an announcement on those soon. Meanwhile, you can check the latest standings to all this madness here on Yahoo. If you aren’t off to a good start, don’t get mad. These early upsets don’t matter. It’s all about that final 4. Good luck to those in the contest.

Rather than getting into a long, maddening dialogue about something that makes me mad this week, I’m taking a minute for this special occasion. 100 issues of this content is a crazy number to me. The time (and whiskey bottles) and flown by. I never expected to be here this long. Partially because I thought someone else can see how talented I, Ron Flogundy, am and would hire me out of this circus news company. I’m not mad about it.

Surprisingly for me, it has became a cliche labor of love. Ron loves to be mad and vent while delivering a sliver of news and information to you all. I do it for the few minutes of fun and entertainment it brings the readers while they sit on the can (speaking of cans, shoutout to Rich!). Or for Chickism to keep tagging the editor about when the new edition comes out. Ron loves being late so the clown gets yelled at. I do it because when I check Discord each Friday morning and read Throop’s emotional, positive, and sometimes sappy messages, it tickles my mustache and makes me feel obligated to deliver something. Also, it’s a good place for McGee and Peterman (whenever they decide to show up to work actually) to throw some Preston humor in. IYKYK. See, Ron can be hip. Do they say hip anymore? I can’t keep up with these maddening kids.

So I leave you this week saying something Ron rarely says, thank you. It feels weird being nice. I prefer to be more like Roy Kent before his character developed a heart. Ok. No more sappy Ron. I’m going back to being mad about something. I’m not sure what yet but it won’t take long for something to annoy me. Enjoy the finale day and AMA. Hopefully Spirit has an unusually successful day and doesn’t delay her arrival to lovely Ohio. That still sounds gross as I say it. Ron Flogundy is signing off…..mad.

F.U.D News Staff (You can now click on our photos to chat with us!)

Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.

J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.

Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.

Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.

Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.

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