FLOVATAR FUN TIMES AHEAD & A MUSICAL RANT
By Ron Flogundy
Seasons greetings Flovatar world. Your favorite low budget news anchor is back to review the latest in Flovatar. Lucky for you, I will also share my latest rant about something that really grinds my gears. What can it be this week? Well, it deals with my ears being violated without consent. Anyways, on with the article.
It’s Friday and that means the latest installment of A Dust Odyssey is dropping. Episode 17 will be available on your favorite streaming service today. Wow. 17 episodes already and it’s been quite the enjoyable ride. We are nearing the big finale and I am very interested in how this all shakes out. This week, our Flovan crew is still separated and exploring Japan and Greece. Make sure to catch up on any episodes you missed so you are ready for the home stretch. Hmm….Japan. That reminds me I need to find a way to get a bottle of Yamazaki 18 still. Wonder if those Flovans can make that happen?
In other Flovatar news, the Dust flobit packs have sold out! That’s right folks. All 500 packs are gone and with it, 1.5 million Dust burned. Congrats to those who scored those legendary flobits. Now that the packs are sold out, it’s time for the rebate. In case you forgot, everyone who purchased a pack will receive 1000 Dust per Psyche Likee owned as a rebate. So if you bought 2 packs and own 2 Psyche Likees, you will receive 2000 Dust and so on. Wen rebate? God you people are impatient. While there is no announced date, I can answer your common question with a common reply. Very soon.
Flovatar’s 2nd birthday is approaching fast. December 16th is right around the corner and the Team is planning some stuff. It’s been a little bit since the last celebration/party so mark those calendars and make sure to stop by. I’ve also heard that things might be starting earlier, making it more like a week long party. I hope my mustache wax comes in time. I must look my finest at these functions. Can’t have a mustache that’s all disheveled. McGee and I were asked to do a photoshoot for a promo. Just look how sharp we look.
Now, you wanna to know what really grinds my gears this week? I’ll start by saying that Ron is a fan of Christmas. There are so many good things about it. Delicious food and drinks like egg nog (with rum), Pappy Van Winkle season, ham, cookies, peppermint mochas. People buy me presents and don’t expect any in return, or at least that’s what they all say when I say I didn’t buy them anything. All the days off from work to sit down and watch Christmas classics like Die Hard, Coming to America, Home Alone, Christmas Vacation, Bad Santa, and so on. What’s that? Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie? The hell it isn’t.
See. There’s a Christmas song about it so it must be true. Well, this actually is a great lead in to my point. Christmas music is the devil’s doing. There, I said it. It’s been blasting on the speakers of damn near every store and restaurant I visit since November. Why? When I go to Home Depot to look for a new can to do my business on, I do not need to hear Jingle Bells. When I’m at a restaurant dining on a well cooked piece of steak or lamb, I don’t need to hear Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Unless grandpa went back, ran over that reindeer for revenge, and served it to me seasoned, seared, and with a side of mint jelly.
But those are not the worst of them. The greatest offense of all is listening to Mariah Carey on an endless loop. This diva hits notes so high, she makes dogs bark and human ears bleed. Who needs a dog whistle? If your 4 legged friend ever gets away, just blast All I Want for Christmas and they will come running back. I played a game where I took a shot from my trusty flask for every time I heard this haunting song at an establishment. I blacked out after breakfast at one of my favorite eateries. Please let the madness stop. Most Christmas songs can be summed up by the great Peter Griffin.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy plenty of holiday music myself. You may not know this but Ron is an avid hard rock, punk rock, metal fan. Have you ever listened to Punk Goes Christmas? Or what about this take on that Mariah Carey atrocity by a more Ron-style band? Want something more classical? I’ve got you covered there too. Dwight Schrute has the right idea on how to spice up the holidays. Having seen this band perform live, I 1000% recommend you all go see them when they pass your city this year on tour. It is a sight to see. So I leave you this week with Dwight and company jamming out to the one and only, Trans Siberian Orchestra.
AN ORIGINAL CHRISTMAS SONG
by J. Peterman
Imagine my frustration when I came in today with a full column of Christmas related fashion and Ron cut it because it was “too early for Christmas stuff.” Well, I sat down at my desk and furiously typed up this little ditty. It’s to the tune of “Let It Snow” — enjoy!
Oh the weather on Flova is delightful
But Ron can be so spiteful
And so instead of singing of snow
Ron blows, Ron blows, Ron blows
Luca has no plans of stopping
And the marketplace sure is popping
Have you checked the price of flow?
Ron blows, Ron blows, Ron blows
When Fuch Face actually writes
His words cause quite a storm
But if you really want a song out of spite
Loney will have to perform
Oh, the Fantasy Football season is dying
And the losers all are crying
But the real loser all of you know
Ron blows, Ron blows, Ron blows
MUSINGS OF A FÜCH FAĆE
by Füch Faće McGee
What’s up, Füchstans?! I was able to carve away a little time from my rigorous Rock ‘n Roll Dance training for you all this week. It’s the least I could do for my dedicated fans. (Side note, keep an eye out for my new TikTok account where I’ll be sharing my sick moves).
It’s been a while since there’s been a Flovalympic update but I’m here to share the details of the grand finale! Before we dive into that, let’s take a quick look at where things stand.
Going into the final event, Team Zelda holds a two point lead over the second place Space Pirates and a four point lead over The Devil’s Advocates. With a strong showing, any of these top three teams could finish as the overall champion of the Flovalympic Games. Unfortunately for everyone else, you’re pretty much out of the running for the medal stand. But that’s okay — this is the era of the participation trophy and everyone will get a prize!
Now that that’s out of the way…
The final event for the Flovalympics will be a three-part challenge. And the first challenge, Name That Flovatar, will start on Monday, December 4 at 1 pm EST.
Olympic participants will complete a series of Zealy quests involving some of our more famous Flovatars. Clues will be given in the form of quotes or fun facts. If you answer correctly, the next question will unlock. But if you guess incorrectly, you will have to wait an hour to make another guess. Only captains can submit answers, and each team’s timer will start when the captain submits their first answer. We will do it this way to even the playing field with everyone in different timezones.
An example of a possible quest —
“Do or do not, there is no try.”
A. #3167
B. #5789
C. #1
D. #3716
Unless you’re a complete moron not a Star Wars nerd, you know this quote is from Yoda. And #3716 is one of our Yoda look-a-likes. So the correct answer here would be D.
Teams will have until Wednesday, December 6 at 1 pm EST to complete the challenge. Some of these you might find very easy. Others might be a bit brazen. But we’re hoping these provide a bit of fun to round out our first Flovalympic games.
Results from all three parts of the final event will be totaled together, and Olympic points will be distributed based on total completion time. (Team that completed the challenges the fastest will receive 12 points, 11 points for the 2nd place team, and so on).
Details about parts two and three of this final challenge will come soon. In the meantime, you might be wondering about prizes. It’s been a while since we’ve updated the prize pool, but I’m able to share a few more details about that today.
Each active participant in the Flovalympics will receive a brand new, customized flobit. I’m not going to share what it is quite yet. But I’ve seen them, and they are awesome! In addition, there will be bonuses for the 1st, 2nd and 3rd place teams, all captains and Team MVPs. Can’t wait to sure the rest of the prize details with you!
That’s all I’ve got this week, Füchos! Good luck to all of the Olympic participants over the next week!
F.U.D News Staff
Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.
J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.
Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.
Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.
Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.