FLOVATAR BITS & STOUT SEASON
By Ron Flogundy
Brrr….It’s so damn cold but I am still here. Ron Flogundy is back for another week of stuff. This cold ass weather can’t keep me from my fans. As for the rest of the news team, the slightest bit of cold seems to keep their lazy butts home. Saying it’s cold when the low is in the 20s is not cold you cowards. Get to work. But I digress. I am here to give you a few things from Flovatar and to give you more advice. After telling you what you should watch last week, I like the idea of me telling you all what to do to enjoy yourselves. I am an expert of many things so I need to share.
We are nearing the end of the epic story of our favorite crew from A Dust Odyssey. It’s been 18 marvelous episodes so far. The big, epic finale episode is being fine tuned and polished. I am very curious how this all concludes. I keep trying to hint to Peterman that a Ron cameo would just blow the roof of this thing. I hear she knows the writer. Can you imagine yours truly in the story? What a ratings hit for all my fans.
Flovatar wants to get you all prepared for the finale by having some fun. Trivia Night with MrsWildTurkey is returning next week. This is a special edition dedicated to all things A Dust Odyssey. It will test your knowledge of the podcast on everything that has happened to this point. The event will take place on Thursday, January 25th @ 7PM EST. Join MrsTurkey, show writer Jenna, the Team, and all your community friends in Discord for a fun night of trivia.
Oh, there will be prizes to be won. Duh. Flovatar doesn’t hold events like this without giving out some awesome stuff. Brush up on your knowledge by re-listening to the episodes if needed. You will want to be up to speed for your shot at some of these nice prizes.
A few other tidbits to cover before we get to my words of wisdom. The airdrop for the FlovaChat promo should be going on at some point today. There were a few slight hiccups but those are being worked on according to my sources. Make sure to check that airdrop package in your account today to see what you earned. Keep those chats coming too by the way. Ron loves going around the showroom and interviewing you all. Never know when you might appear in an issue so keep it interesting and entertaining.
I also need to drop my weekly Dust info real quick. Remember if you are looking for some Dust to spend, you can always go to Increment Fi and grab some off the market. I keep squirreling away my Dust piles for some upgrader fun and farming. Yes, not the gross farming with dirt and manure. Ron doesn’t touch that stuff. I’m talking about Dust farming. I mentioned this a few issues back. If you want to take part in some nice return rates, check out the farming function on Increment Fi as well. You can find the details here.
Now, on to the delicious main course of the week, Ron’s Advice! A lot of the U.S. is experiencing some super cold temperatures. Some more than others. McGee and his fellow Texans are complaining about the 20s. Meanwhile, my hometown is complaining about -20s. As the cold wave sweeps over the eastern part of the country, there’s a sure fire way to stay warm. Stouts!
You all know that Ron loves his bourbon. However, I also dabble in some beer. I’m not talking about crap like light beer (yellow water) or your hipster IPAs (hoppy grossness). I’m talking about the only thing that makes beer good…aging it in bourbon barrels. Bourbon in beer is a perfect marriage and it usually means a high ABV % that will surely warm your soul during these cold times. I am a connoisseur of all things barrel aged and have tasted some amazing beers so far. So let me share with you some of these gems in case you are looking to try some new stuff.
THE SHELFIES
These beers are referred to as shelfies because they are ones that you can find at most stores. They are mass produced and shipped all over. While they are the cheapies and easier to find ones, there are a few worth snagging.
Goose Island Bourbon County Stout is the goat of shelfies. Goose Island has been credited with being the first to age stouts in bourbon barrels. This stout is widely available and is always the best bang for your buck. It’s just stout and bourbon. No adjuncts (flavors for you less savvy beer people). No fuss. It usually clocks in around 15% ABV give or take. This beer also ages well. It’s meant to age in the bottle for up to 5 years. I recommend grabbing a few to try each year and see how it progresses. Super solid decision here if you can find it by you.
Once a holy grail beer, Founders Brewery in Michigan has turned to mass production and distribution of its former whale. KBS is also widely available and still maintains its solid taste. This beer has some adjuncts added to enhance the taste. It’s brewed with massive amounts of coffee and chocolate to give it that good breakfast cup of joe taste.
THE MID TO HIGH LEVEL
These beers are much harder to find but still manageable. These are usually limited releases at the breweries or local distribution only. It takes some effort to attain these but if you ever want to get away from shelfies, this is your next goal. For these, I’ve noted some breweries because they make multiple bangers to choose from.
Bottle Logic Brewing is something to experience. This brewery has a barrel series called the Stasis Project. They release several different variants of barrel aged stouts with a wide range of adjuncts. Some of their best are Fundamental Observation, Voltaic Stack, Hypermash Hydra, and tons more. You can find these mostly on the west coast but they do see some nationwide distribution. Grab them while you can
Revolution Brewery in Chicago also has a barrel aged program that is a must try. It’s Deep Wood Series puts out some award winning brews every year. Whether you try the standard Deth’s Tar, Cafe Deth, Vanilla Deth, or are able to grab some more rarer varieties like VSOJ, VSOD, or Honey Jacket, you’re in for a treat. Some of these are fairly easy to attain while most are limited to brewery only.
These master brewers produce an amazing series of stouts every year. They are pricey but worth every penny. The beers use to be very limited and hard to find but have begun expanding a bit. Some of the ones to snag are A Deal with the Devil, Blessed, Doomed, and Wendingo. Makes going to Alaska worth the trip. Other than for the nature of course.
THE WHALES
These are some of the best beers I have ever had. These are all brewery only releases and the cream of the crop. People wait hours in line camping to attain some of these limited bottles. If you can’t grab one in person, you can probably find them on secondary markets on various social media sites for hundreds of dollars. Yes, that’s not a typo. Hundreds of dollars are what people are willing to pay.
Barrel Aged Adjunct Trail from Angry Chair Brewery is the best beer I have every had. Period. No questions asked. This amazing liquid is brewed with coconut, hazelnut, and coffee before being aged for months and months in the finest of bourbon barrels. It tastes like a liquid candy bar of goodness. It’s so smooth and thick you forget it clocks in at 11% ABV. I’d cheat on bourbon for this bottle.
Barrel Aged Coconut Vibes from Side Project Brewery is a very close second to my favorite beer. Ron must love coconut. Side Project in St. Louis specializes in super rare, small batch stouts. These can only be bought at the brewery or online on release day. If you think NFT drops sell out fast, this is the beer version. Usually these beers sell out in under 10 seconds online. This liquid Mounds bar is heaven in your mouth. Thick, rich, and delicious, this monster clocks in at 15% ABV and will cost you a few hundred dollars if you aren’t lucky enough to grab it when it drops.
KBBS from Toppling Goliath Brewery is also elite when it comes to drinking a liquid breakfast. Do not confuse this with the above mentioned KBS. These 2 are not even in the same ballpark of beers. This isn’t a $15 shelfie. People must enter a yearly lottery and hope to win a chance to buy a bottle of this. It is released at their brewery only so people make the journey to bumble f$*k Iowa to get their hands on it. Why else would you go to Iowa. This beer is a great way to start your morning. It tastes like all the good parts of breakfast. Heck, pour it over your pancakes.
Finally, I need to shout out Starry Noche from Weldwerks Brewery. Their first ever batch of this was amazing and super limited. Since then, they have produced a little bit more of this for their yearly release but the taste is still exquisite. It is probably the easiest to attain compared to the bottles above but it’s worth putting here because it is quite delicious. This coconut (surprise) stout is aged on average of 25 months in barrels and comes out at 15.6% ABV, but you wouldn’t know it by drinking. Bravo.
I can do this all day folks. I love me some barrel aged beer. But I have made myself very thirsty now and must open my coveted beer fridge to start my happy hour. Make sure to join the awesome trivia event coming up next week and check those airdrop boxes. We might even crack a few beers during the game. Cheers to everyone. Ron Flogundy out.
F.U.D News Staff (You can now click on our photos to chat with us!)
Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.
J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.
Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.
Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.
Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.