MY VISION QUEST
By Ron Flogundy
Normally I would be greeting you in a grandiose fashion at this time and getting ready to catch you up on the week. However, this week I handed over the reigns to Peterman because I am on a more important mission. I, Ron Flogundy, am on my own personal vision quest. Not some crack pot, sorry excuse of one like that cheesehead Aaron Rodgers did. A true vision quest where something became so clear to me that I had to share.
So where would someone with such fame and prestige as Ron Flogundy consider going on such a quest? Well, I am in the most sacred of all areas in the United States. A place so magical it makes every fan’s dreams come true. There’s so much history and tradition here that it should be taught in schools so these heroes can have their stories told. It’s a home to one of the greatest things that has ever been invented. I am on the famous Bourbon Trail.
These magical places in Kentucky and parts of Tennessee are home to some of the finest spirits to ever grace these lips and bushy mustache. To walk these hallowed halls of excellence feels fitting for a man of my stature. I feel like I belong here. While I am eager to share all of the enlightenment I have received here, my buzz…I mean my enhanced mental state of clarity, is wearing off so let’s stick with some of my highlights.
My first stop was at the fantastic Old Forester Distillery. This has been on my list of places due to my endless hunt for a bottle of their elusive Birthday Bourbon. This nectar of the gods comes out once a year in a limited fashion and is usually reserved for the elite of elite. Not sure how I am not on this list. I brought this to the attention of the employees here and they responded with a kind “Who are you again? Ron Swanson’s brother or something?”
Not knowing who this Ron Swanson was, I did a quick search. I was pleased to find out that this fellow mustachioed Ron is also a fan of the brown spirits. I added meeting him for a drink to my bucket list of things to do. Just look at his wisdom here as he saves this poor man from looking like a fool in this clip.
Next on my list was a recommendation from the founder of F.U.D News. Not sure why he told me to come here but I thought I would check it out. To my surprise, this turned out to be a delicious visit. When I go purchase my bottles at the stores, I usually do not look this far down on the shelf due to being dangerously close to lower class swill. However, this liquid is deserving a higher spot on my list after the visit. My visit here was abruptly ended after this photo.
I was under the impression that this fine barrel full of bourbon was a souvenir. Look at that smile I have and the potential joy I thought I was going to experience. As I started rolling this barrel out the door, I was met by some large men who told me this barrel was not mine after all. I kindly explained that I was Ron Flogundy and I would endorse this brand if I kept the barrel. They replied again with “You look like a lesser Ron Swanson.” In a rage, I left.
Fast forward about 5 more visits to this one. Buffalo Trace. I had to come here since this brand has basically bought every other reputable brand in this country. They are the gatekeepers to some of the most sought after spirits in the world. Pappy Van Winkle. While I have managed to secure the lesser Pappy bottles (Old Rip & Lot b), the holiest of bottles like the 15yr, 20yr, and 23yr have eluded me.
I was in awe of the high end spirits on these shelves. Weller of all varieties. E.H Taylor. Blanton’s, although this bottle is more beloved because of the fancy horse on top that makes up for its “just fine” quality bourbon. I brought several changes of clothes and disguises here due to their “limit 1” tastes of the high end stuff. After the third-ish costume (my memory is a bit foggy), they were on to me. I explained to them that I am the great Ron Flogundy and that I was deciding on whether the Pappy bottles were worthy of my palate. They said again to my dismay, “You look like an off brand Ron Swanson.” I told them they were making a huge mistake as they heaved me out the door. In my rage and anger, I decided I needed to look for a fight and sped off to the Jack Daniels Distillery in Tennessee. Nothing screams bar fight more than a bunch of dudes drinking crappy Jack and cokes. The rest of my night can be found in the police reports.
So there you have it. A brief summary of my vision quest in bourbon country. Not really sure what revelation or deep insights I discovered. It was basically me enjoying more bourbon than normal men should. Now I need to recover. Instead of making poor choices like Taco Bell or White Castle, I decided to look more into this Ron Swanson fellow and found some sage advice again.
ALTERNATIVE FLOVATAR WEEKLY UPDATE
By J. Peterman
I’m typing this from the front line of the writer’s strike, where a certain Warner Brother’s CEO that shall not be named has run over two picketers with his gold encrusted Rolls Royce while screaming “death to movies, more episodes of Young Dr. Pimple Popper!” Furious, I checked my phone and realized that another freeloader, Ron Flogundy, is on vacation and will not be updating you all on the world of Flovatar this week. Because I am passionate about writing for the people, I’m giving you this Flovatar update in my style. No more coddling of people trying to cheat on Zealy quests or playing two poker hands at once. This is your weekly update, punk edition.
Two days remain in the CAST voting for the proposed DAO and if you haven’t voted yet, what the F&#% are you waiting for? Do you want Luca to show up at your house with the CAST page on a plate of spaghetti? Vote already. VOTE HERE.
If you want to have any discussions around DAO votes, I guess you can check out this new platform and leave your comments. Let me make it clear, I am not interested in your opinions but the rest of the team may be.
Luca held an AMA about the proposed structure that you can access here. Luca is a living, breathing angel so I will not be saying anything snarky about him.
Owner’s poker came back this week for two different sessions and per usual, some of you failed to follow instructions. YOU NEED TO USE YOUR DISCORD NAME TO PLAY or you won’t win your prizes. You probably won’t win prizes anyway if your name is Omcler.
The Zealy challenge continues on and we have a tie at the top of the leaderboard. What is this, European soccer? It’s between Juventus, who is grinding like it’s 2021 and a whitelist spot for Mutant Apes is on the line, and Chief KC, who apparently took some time off from being Flogundy’s gimp to put the rest of you to shame. Keep going with the quests I guess, maybe your parents will finally be proud of you. Mine are texting me while I’m picketing to ask when I’m getting a “real job” so I understand.
A new episode of A Dust Odyssey drops today and from what I’ve heard, some community members might get roasted during the episode. Wow, whoever is writing these really has a sharp pen.
Alright that’s all I’ve got. Later, nerds.
MUSINGS OF A FÜCH FAĆE
by Füch Faće McGee
Welcome to another edition of Musings, Füchamaniacs! We’re going to take a look back on the week that was and get you caught up on all of Füch Faće’s Hot Sports Opinions. So let’s get started on our spin around the sports globe!
The Metaverse Football League kicked off their very first pre-season tournament this last week. Nearly 400 clubs signed up between the 3 divisions, including numerous that were Flovatar-owned. Our very own Lonestar has shined the brightest among this group, leading the 18-and-under Vienna Sausages to the first ever 650 Cap Championship Round.
“It’s crazy man, just crazy,” said Lonestar about his barely legal squad of Weiners.
Unfortunately, the Sausages were smoked 2-1 when they faced MFC Atlantique of Nantes, France in the winner-take-all match today. Better luck next time!
Last week the NBA Finals ended with the Denver Nuggets beating the Miami Heat for ultimate glory. This week, the biggest losers of the league got to celebrate as the NBA draft took place on Thursday night.
Victor Wembanyama, the 7’2″ 19-year old from France, was selected first overall by the San Antonio Spurs. Wembanyama is the most-hyped prospect in decades. NBA teams have been been preparing for this draft for years, shedding talent and losing games on purpose to better their chances of being able to select the French star. Even the Chicago Bears tried to lose enough games to get their shot at Wemby! Ultimately it was San Antonio that won the right to select Wembanyama, and last night they got to make it official. Good luck in San Antonio, Wemby!
Flovalympic Poker was back in action on Thursday with both a morning and evening tournament taking place. Akilla won the early event and earned 12 Flovalympic points for The Devil’s Advocates, edging out Throop and the Flovatarians. In the later tournament, it was Throop who choked again, this time to KushNCoins of The Wallstreet Wolves. Despite being the 1st loser in both games, Throop earned a total of 22 points for The Flovatarians on Thursday. Congratulations Throop!
Team Zelda still sits atop the leaderboard, but the gap between them and the rest of the field has tightened. With Booble League POOL PLAY coming to a close in the coming weeks, it’s anybody’s race as teams jockey for points and tournament seeding throughout this epic event!
Finally, I’m sure all of my loyal fans have noticed that ole Füch Faće is on Twitter. In case you missed it, I will start including in Musings a mailbag of sorts, where I will answer all of your pressing sports questions. So, feel free to share your questions on Twitter or in Discord. Don’t be shy! I’m the Sports Genius for a reason.
F.U.D News Staff
Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.
J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Unable to deal with all of the fashion faux-pas she saw in Flovatar, J. Peterman lobbied the F.U.D. News editors to let her write a weekly fashion column. No one is safe from her rants.
Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.
Füch Faće McGee- Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.
Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.
If you’ve made it down this far, Congrats! You may now complete a Zealy flash quest that Peterman ranted about above. Your code to redeem is imitationswanson Now don’t go sharing this with all your friends. Make them earn it. We can see how many of you click so its easy to spot the moles 👀