February 16, 2024 ·

By Ron Flogundy

Greetings fellow FUDders. Yup, I just made that up. An original Ron-ism for the fans. Feel free to use it everywhere to spread the word. It’s another Friday and that means a page full of your favorite news reporter. This is an extra special week for me because it is a week’s worth of food events. Let’s belly up to the table here and start eating.

Before we indulge ourselves as I tell you why this week is so fun, got a quick little note from the world of Flovatar. A source told me that something might be popping up next week. No Throop, I don’t mean the pod episode because you already know that is being worked on. A fun event with some friends of Flovatar is in the works. Stay tuned.

Food. Ron loves food. Not only does it taste great, it provides a solid foundation in my belly for the delicious bourbon to land on and get absorbed. A full belly for me means more time at happy hour. So why this week? This week saw the beginning of Mardi Gras and Lent. No, don’t worry. Ron isn’t here to throw beads at you with the hopes of a cheap thrill (unless you want beads in which case, I got you) or to be preachy on the pulpit. I’m here to talk about the food that comes with these events.

FIrst off, Fat Tuesday! This glorius day has a few important foods associated with it. When I say food, I mean sugary, sweet, and rich desserts. Desserts are a vital part of the Ron Flogundy Food Pyramid. It is the base or foundation of my trick to keep this slick physique.

A staple of Fat Tuesday is the magnificent paczki. How the hell do you say that? Google it. Paczki are native to my motherland. The Polish people know how to bake. Before you tell me it is just a jelly donut, I’m gonna stop you there and say kindly, shut the f%&K up and learn. Paczki are not just donuts. If you go to the local grocery store to buy them, you’re doing it wrong. If you go to Dunkin Donuts and buy them, you’re doing it wrong. If you go to a place that has more consonants than vowels in the name and order from someone with a name that ends in -ski, you’ve done the right thing.

Ignore the part at the end when it tells you the calories. That’s not important. It’s only a small fraction of your recommended daily 5000 calorie diet. What’s that Peterman? 2000 calories? That’s not humanly possible. So be it. Won’t stop Ron from embracing the Fat in Fat Tuesday.

Next up, we have another fascinating dessert with some history. The King Cake. No, it’s not a cake baked by LeBron. He is more known for the Swedish Flop Cake if you know what I mean. Sorry, McGee gave me this joke to deliver. I have no idea what it means.

Anyways, the King Cake is traditionally eaten during Mardi Gras. It was brought to New Orleans by the French in the 1870s and remains a tradition to this day. These sugary treats are special because they come with a tiny baby figurine hidden inside. The origins of this is based on the Bible so Ron will skip the preachy parts. The cake is cut up and served to the table. The one who gets the piece with the hidden baby is said to be in for lots of luck and prosperity. Unless they find the baby by choking on it while they ate the cake. That would be not so lucky. Thinking about this now, this is a terrible idea. Why would you hide a plastic baby in a cake for people to possibly choke on? Eh, who am I kidding? I’ll still eat them.

This week isn’t only about getting on a sugar high. Ron definitely needs some substance to line the belly. This time of year sees people fasting on Fridays for religious reasons (again, fast forward). Ron definitely is not a fan of giving up delicious steak ever, but this practice has some nice side effects for me. Since a lot of people won’t eat meat on Fridays, we see the a boom in the fish fry menu. Restaurants everywhere will have special all you can eat fish fry events to cater to these people.

Let me repeat the key words there. ALL YOU CAN EAT. While fish is basically a vegetable for me, the caveat that I can eat as much of it as I want with french fries and tartar sauce gets my mustache excited. You can deep fry anything and make it taste good. If I don’t have enough time to sit down at a fish fry and gorge myself, the next best thing is the return of the Filet-o-Fish. This sandwich is somehow so satisfying. It’s probably not even real fish but who cares. Maybe one day the ads will say “now made with real fish” like they eventually did with chicken nuggets. Until then, I’ll gladly enjoy this mysterious sandwich when I need something on the go.

I’ve made myself hungry again. Well, there you go FUDders. Ron’s quick guide to this glorious week in food. I plan on grabbing all of this to enjoy before happy hour. Woah! I just had a million dollar idea. What about a filet-o-fish but instead of hamburger buns, I use paczki as the buns? Probably shouldn’t have written my idea here for everyone to see. I must go file a patent quickly. Maybe then I can open my own business and leave this crappy news company. Happy eating everyone.

F.U.D News Staff (You can now click on our photos to chat with us!)

Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.

J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.

Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.

Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.

Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.

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