SPORTVATAR — LEARN THE RULES OF THE GAME
Once again that clown has me, the esteemed Ron Flogundy, covering sportsball stuff this week. I am the Lead Anchor here, not some beat writer like Füch Faće. I should be doing interviews with the Flovatar elite at fancy dinners in Milan while sipping on some fine scotch. Instead, I’ve been asked to turn in my cigar and scotch yet again for some cheap beer and Jacker Cracks, no ugh, Cracker Macks or whatever the hell you people eat at those events. Wait, they are telling me hot dogs. Really? You know that’s not even real meat right? I’ve been asked to address several questions that have popped up over the first week of Sportvatar so let’s get on with this.
Oh, one more thing before I get started. I want to know the meaning of this!
First off, this looks like Luca is enjoying a fine cup of espresso and some sort of pastry dish in Milan and I did not get invited. Beyond that, this looks like major marketing. I thought there is none of that here. How dare you share information with a rival news publication? Wait, what? They have millions of viewers? Are they hiring? Maybe I should send them my resume. I’d have to find a way out of this circus though. Ok, on to the questions.
Q: Is the marketplace open?
A: Yes. It opened the other day and you can now purchase sport flames, sportbits, and sportvatars right here on the website. You just need your Dapper wallet and some dapper balance or USD. Oh, that was an easy one. This won’t be bad at all.
Q: If I have a rare flame, do I have to use all rare traits?
A: Nope. Having a rare flame means you can use all rare traits or as little as 1. Or none I guess but why would you do that? The rarity just means you can use any combo of traits using that rarity or below.
Q: What about an epic flame?
A: Oh come on. Read the answer above. By using common sense, you can figure out that an epic flame means you can use any combo of epic, rare, or common.
Q: Do Sportvatars earn Dust?
A: Wait, this is a real question? So for the past 1.5 years, Flovatar has said that only OG Flovatars will earn Dust when it’s released. Do you see the word Sportvatar in any of that statement? Someone get me one of those beers please. Wait, I just came up with my million dollar ticket idea out of this news room….
Q: Will there be more traits coming out? I don’t see my team’s jerseys yet.
A: An intelligent question. Beautiful. Yes, there will be more traits coming out in waves over time. One might be fairly soon but keep following for that announcement. If you don’t see a team you want, be patient as more are coming.
Q: Will flobits have the ability to be equipped on Sportvatars and vice versa?
A: There have been rumors of some cross over abilities. No official word yet but it’s an interesting concept and one to pay attention to moving forward.
Q: Are the stats random or dependent on the rarity of the Sportvatar?
A: The answer is kind of both. The stats are randomly created when you mint an athlete. But, higher rarity athletes will have higher stats. Each rarity tier has a range of possible stats and scores.
Q: Wen Poker?
A: Ok, how the hell did this question get in here. You people and your poker. I’m done. The Dust has settled for this week. This is Ron Flogundy, stay sarcastically awesome Flovatar people. Tumbleweed Strong.
WHAT’S TRENDING IN FASHION
by J. Peterman
Sportvatar kicked off last week and with the marketplace now up and running, I took a look at the fashion and accessory trends that are popular this week. Here’s the the good, the bad, and the weird. If you’re featured here, don’t get upset at me or threaten to unmint your creation. There’s no crying in Sportvatar.
The Good
Matching a jersey with your player’s skin tone.
There’s something satisfying about seeing these athletes with alien bodies that sync up with their uniform colors. Monotones are in this year people.
The Good
Making any figure skater looking like they time traveled from the late 1980’s.
It’s sparkle, it’s glamour, it’s razzle dazzle (and possibly cocaine.) All we need now is a little chest hair and they could be Ron Flogandy’s cousins.
The Bad
Whatever this hairdo/Fu Manchu/body combo is that someone minted twice in a row.
I can only imagine this is what your facial hair looks like in real life. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.
The Bad
Athletes holding accessories from the wrong sport.
I’m not saying you have to specialize in one sport — I’m not Earl Woods after all — but maybe now that the market is open, let’s get your player ready for the appropriate game. I guess the guy in the back could be Happy Gilmore?
The Weird
Surfers in their birthday suits.
Has anyone here actually been surfing before? They do not get out there in the chilly water at 6am letting it all hang out.
MUSINGS OF A FÜCH FAĆE
by Füch Faće McGee
May is one of the sweet spots in the sports calendar. Baseball is in full swing and it’s just far enough into the season before people are completely bored with it. The NBA and NHL leagues are down to their final 8 teams all looking for the sweet championship glory. And then there’s golf and its upcoming majors, UEFA’s Champion’s League and so many more. Here’s what’s on my mind in the middle of this busy sports month.
A small hiccup with the Bobble League servers late last week put the league schedule on pause. But the league returned to action on Thursday with Team Flovatron facing The Devil’s Advocates in an intense double-header. While the Devil’s had 3 players show up to represent them in the matches, it wasn’t enough to beat C-3PFlo as he claimed victory for The Droids by margins of 3-1 and 3-0.
It was a big night for Lonestar on Thursday when poker made its glorious return to the Flovatar Discord. 52 Flovatar owners showed up with their digital chips and delusional dreams of winning the monthly poker tournament. Many stood tall. Many fell asleep. And after the longest poker game in the history of ever, it was Eski who outlasted the competition as champion of the night. Congratulations Eski!
In the real sports world, you’ve got the NBA and NHL both in the middle of their playoff season. The Champions League is down to its final four teams. But what was the main story on media outlets like ESPN and Twitter on Thursday? You guessed it…the NFL! The NFL and its 32 teams released their schedules on Thursday, which won’t even start for another four months, and THAT is what dominated headlines on Thursday. Previews of marquee match-ups, predicting wins and losses, who will make the playoffs, which coach will get fired first. The NFL is a content machine and has turned its product into a year-long obsession, grabbing headlines over leagues that are actually in the most exciting parts of their season. And I’ve gotta say…I love every bit of it! Check out this video the Tennessee Titans put out – genius!
Sportvatar went live a week ago today and the mint machine has been busy! Over 500 new Sportvatars have been created in the first week, and that pace is sure to keep with the newly announced contest on Twitter. Make sure and show-off those basketball mints for a chance to win a Sportvatar pack!
KID CHAOS’ FEATURE FLICK
Renfield • R • 2023 ‧ Horror/Comedy
“Renfield, Dracula’s henchman and inmate at the lunatic asylum for decades, longs for a life away from the Count, his various demands, and all of the bloodshed that comes with them.”
I think it’s safe to say Nicolas Cage is one of the best actors ever. He has an impressive body of work — including some iconic films and some real stinkers, just straight up suck fests.
In the last few years, he’s had a resurgence in his craft and has really been putting out a master class in how to handle all the work he’s been getting. One need only watch films like Mandy, Willy’s Wonderland and the amazing adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s Colour out of Space to know he’s definitely cemented himself as a cult icon deserving of his following.
When news started circulating that he’d be acting as the prince of darkness, Dracula, it was met with uncertainty from certain camps in the horror community. Not here though! I was primed and ready to see him bring such an iconic character to life, made super famous and timeless by Bela Lugosi and the classic universal films.
In this highly modernized take that’s fully inspired by characters from the 1897 novel of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, we get a bigger bite into the character Renfield. Played by Nicholas Hoult, the title character in this horror comedy was crafted by Robert Kirkman (The Walking Dead, Invincible) with the screenplay by Ryan Ridley. The whole story between Dracula and his servant is wrapped up into an awesome bloody, funny and action packed film directed by Chris McKay (Robot Chicken, The Tomorrow War.)
The film was hilarious and filled with buckets of (CGI) blood and awesome practical effects. There is a particular part of the movie in which Dracula is in recovery mode and the look and makeup gave homage to the likes of Phantom of the Opera and Darkman.
As the film progresses, we see what their dynamic has morphed into after the many years together and what strains they go thru with an updated landscape and outside influences, which includes an underground crime syndicate haphazardly headed by Tedward Lobo, played hilariously by Ben Schwartz.
I found it wildly entertaining — gorey, funny and full of throwbacks to original films and characters. The cinematography was impressive and there was lots of action and comedic relief that allowed me to just enjoy the ride. If you’ re looking for a straight up Dracula story or scary horror, this ain’t it! But, you will see a guy get his hands cut off with a serving plate!
Nicolas Cage delivers in all facets; channeling Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee and adding that cagey goodness we all love to the Dracula mythos. If you’re into John Wick, Universal Monsters, and laughing at people getting decimated, this ones for you. Now, let’s eat!
F.U.D News Staff
Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.
J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Unable to deal with all of the fashion faux-pas she saw in Flovatar, J. Peterman lobbied the F.U.D. News editors to let her write a weekly fashion column. No one is safe from her rants.
Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.
Füch Faće McGee- Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.
Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.