October 27, 2023 ·

By Ron Flogundy

I’m here. I made it! Apparently yours truly, Ron Flogundy, might have had a momentary lapse in memory about what day of the week it is. Surely it had nothing to do with last night’s festivities involving my friends Pappy, Jack, Johnny, and the distinguished Colonel Taylor. Now, let’s see what happened this week in the world of Flovatar.

It’s Friday which means the next episode of A Dust Odyssey is now live! The Flovans journey continues this week and I can’t wait to see what happens. I just love putting on my Air Pods and sitting down next to the fireplace with a glass of god’s elixir to listen to this adventure. If for some reason you are still slacking, make sure you check out all the episodes you missed on the Flovatar site or YouTube.

Last night, Luca returned from some globetrotting of his own to sit down with the community for an AMA. He discussed a lot of topics like the Dust token, FUBs, islands, gamification, and the general state of Flovatar. Even though your top notch news team was there to cover it, that damn robot Craig recorded the whole thing for you. What kind of journalism is just hitting a button to record? That’s not even creative. But if you would like to listen to the recording from that damn droid, make sure you click this link to check it out.

When the Dust token launched, those of you who owned Flovatars on the Dapper wallet were victims of a pain in the butt issue. Dust wasn’t claimable on Dapper because (insert tech nerd talk in her blah blah blah because Ron isn’t a dork to explain). Well, Luca mentioned some exciting news after that stupid robot Craig left. So I was able to bring you this exclusive right now. Very soon (like maybe next week), this issue with Dapper and Dust will be settled. How is that possible? Well, check out this blog from Flow to learn because again, Ron doesn’t do dork speak.

Moving on….wait a minute. What’s going on down there? There’s some commotion down the hallway. Peterman is doing what? My nightmare? No one interrupts Ron in the middle of my award winning news coverage. I’m going to go down there and give her a piece of my mind. Serenity now….!!!!!!!

By J. Peterman

Gather ’round kids. I want to tell you a story. A cautionary tale. It happened to man named Ron Flogundy. Here’s what happens when you don’t respect the writers on your staff and you try to take all the glory.

It was the morning of Halloween. Ron had finished trimming his mustache and putting ungodly amounts of gel in his hair, a habit he took from the early 2000’s that he still hadn’t been able to kick. It was a huge day for him – Luca and the Flovatar team ran another successful AMA the night before and he had the full scoop. Of course, the other F.U.D. News staff members were there too but he made it very clear that none of them were allowed to cover this event. He even went as far as to try to assign them puff pieces on deep dish pizza and the Chicago Bears. That should keep them busy.

On his way to the office, he caught a flash out of the corner of his eye. Something pink and familiar. No, get your heads out of the gutter, not that. Something that looked like a familiar hat. But when he turned to catch a better look, it was just his boss Pennytar on his weird little scooter. Guess Ron had been sitting in LA traffic for too long and was going delirious.

When he got to the news room, he sensed that the staff was a little disgruntled at their assignments. Ron didn’t care, he knew that only the lead anchor should be the one reporting the hard hitting news. The rest of the staff would have to fall in line. He walked over to Peterman to tell her to shape up. But when he tapped her on the shoulder, to his surprise it was sports reporter Fuch Face that turned around. He was wearing Peterman’s signature urban sombrero and he didn’t look happy with Ron.

“McGee,” Ron started. “Where’s Peterman? Why are you wearing that hat?”

“Beware….” Fuch Face answered back, and drifted away.

This rattled Ron’s nerves all day. He made an excuse to leave early and headed home to take a hot shower. While showering, with a nice glass of bourbon, he closed his eyes and tried to forget about his strange day. He pretended there was a lady friend or Chief KC in the shower with him and his head filled with pleasant thoughts. When he opened his eyes, he briefly saw a vision of a shadowy figure in a pink hat, preparing to stab him with a machete!

“It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream,” he told himself. When he rubbed his eyes, the vision and the figure were gone.

He decided he might need to take a night or two off from drinking at this point. He settled down in his armchair to watch his favorite non-spooky Halloween movie, Hocus Pocus, when he heard a noise outside. It sounded like footsteps. More than one set. As he got closer to the window, he tried to shake off the feeling of dread and he opened the curtain…..

It was his worst nightmare. A hoard of angry Petermans, in a zombielike state. He rubbed his eyes, “it’s only a dream!” he squeaked out.

This time, rubbing his eyes didn’t get rid of it. Peterman’s army was coming for him. And there was no where to hide.

Here’sssss Peterman!

by Füch Faće McGee

Hey Füchos! There’s a whole lot of sports going on these days, amiright?! The World Series starts tonight (Go Rangers!!!), the NBA and NHL seasons have just fired back up, and we’re almost to the halfway point in the NFL and college football seasons. Speaking of football, I wonder how my pre-season predictions are looking for the Flovatar 1K Fantasy Football league…

Yep, looks like I nailed it. No need to look back on my predictions, I’ll share them here for you.

*Puka Nacua will be the LA Rams best WR and the surprise of the season through 7 weeks. He will help carry Charles and his Champions to a winning record (BOOM!)

*Lamar Jackson will be better than Joe Burrow, and I’d never question RoastedTurkey’s decision to draft him over her hometown hero. Also, Gabe Davis is going to be awesome and Keenan Allen will defy father time for at least one more year. (Got ’em!)

*Anthony Richardson would be a top 3 quarterback if he ever learns to avoid contact. Well, he was scoring the most points per snap through the start of the season, before he was tragically sidelined for the season due to a shoulder injury. (Another one!)

*Bijan Robinson would be the 2nd coming of Barry Sanders if not for the evil Arthur Smith holding him back. (Sorry Bijan!)

Damn’t Arthur!

I won’t bore you by going through ALL of my prognostications. You all get the picture. But if you want to know how the season will end, I’ll be providing an end-of-season preview in the coming weeks. You’re welcome!

Speaking of hot competition, Chef Showdown turned out to be every bit as dramatic as promised! For the last week, our 10 Flovalympic teams competed against each other on the front lines of the kitchen, serving hamburgers, sushi, and even waffles to the denizens of Discord. Everyone got a little restaurant/customer service experience. And there’s been a shake-up on the medal stand!

The Devil’s Advocates, thanks to the high score of Vova (3503), now sit 4 points behind 1st place. But the big news coming out of the Chef Showdown is the 2nd place finish of Team Zelda, catapulting them into 1st place in the Flovalympics by 2 points over the Space Pirates. With one event left, any of these 3 teams can still take home the gold medal in the inaugural Flovalympic Challenge. And speaking of the last event, details will be coming on that SOOOON. Will it be a race? A scavenger hunt? One long game of bingo? These details, along with the full prize breakdown will be announced very soon.

Get your popcorn ready!

That will be all for this week, Füchamaniacs! Enjoy all of the sports’n this weekend!

F.U.D News Staff

Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.

J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.

Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.

Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.

Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.

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