ISSUE 63-DUST DAY SPECIAL EDITION

July 7, 2023 ·

DUST AND DAO COUNCIL CAMPAIGN

Greetings, Flovatar community members. Your local news hero, Ron Flogundy, is here with this week’s article of greatness. I am writing this week with a new sense of energy and excitement. Somebody swapped out my tumbler with a look-a-like filled with coffee. At first, I was quite displeased to not have my morning cup of bourbon. But after tasting this brownish-black nectar, the joke’s on whoever tried to prank me (probably Peterman). This wave of alertness is amazing. I can craft my sarcasm so much better. The only thing that can make this cup of java better is a dash of bourbon. Now, let’s get down to business as I highlight what happened this week and share why I should be on the DAO Council.

Time to talk some D&D this week. Calm down nerds. I’m not talking about that game where you play dress up and fantasize about being wizards and other nonsense. I’m talking Dust and DAO. Last week, Dust was approved for launch by a 90% margin. A few days after, the release date of Monday was announced. This means I am just a few days away from securing my furry butler…I mean friend. Friends do things for each other like fetch a glass of bourbon, light my cigars, make late night food runs, and other stuff. I’m sure the rest of you can’t wait for your Psyche Likees as well.

In order to prep for Dust Day, Luca and some of the team held a Twitter Space to answer questions from the community. Since they were motivated by the reward of earning XP for a Zealy quest, the community had Luca talking for quite a while about some important stuff. Amazing how much activity comes about from promising some XP to people. I wonder if I can apply this to real life. Note to self, test theory by asking people to do stuff for me in order to earn RP (Ron Points). If you missed the event, here is a link to the recording.

Luca answers Dust stuff

Before we get to talking more about myself, details are emerging about the Dust Day celebration on Monday. Flovatar always goes big on the parties and this is no exception. Join the team on Monday, July 10 at 10AM ET for a full day of fun. There will be activities like bingo, trivia, and even Jenna’s favorite, poker. There will be minting prize wheels to spin. Chances to win prizes like Dust, Flow, packs, and more.

Now, for the moment you all have been waiting for! I am here to tell you why I should be on the DAO Council as the sole dicta…member. I plan to run on a platform of sound principles and objectives. Plus, it helps that I am super handsome and charming. After speaking with my campaign manager, Ron Swanson, I decided to adopt one of his motivational tools. If you aren’t aware of it, let me remind you.

My campaign manager

I’ve constructed my own pyramid to outline my entire DAO campaign. It is filled with some core principles that all Flogundy members are raised on. Then I move into how I would change a few things before finally revealing my Dust distribution proportions. You’ll notice the math leaves 10% unaccounted for. That 10% is for the community! Generous, I know. I decided to spoil you all with a whopping 10% to distribute to yourselves. You can thank me later. So now I present, the Flogundy Campaign Pyramid of Greatness.

Solid Pyramid right there

Amazing right? I know we technically have to do the election so I won’t claim victory until then. I just wanted to save everyone the embarrassment of losing when I receive 100% of the votes. Good luck to the other candidates out there. Well, I must now go because the coffee that someone tricked me into is having a weird reaction in my stomach. I think I need to make a run for Richraz’s office for a few minutes. This is Ron Flogundy, signing off on this final, Dust-less weekend.

Flovatar Malibu Dream House
By J. Peterman

Flogundy here again. Peterman is still on the picket line, striking with the Hollywood writers for something…I can’t remember what. I’m tired of these spoiled brats asking for livable wages and assurance that they won’t be replaced by AI. Hurry up and end the strike already so we can continue production on my debut feature: The Ronfather.

Anyway, apparently she was inspired by all the recent promo for the upcoming Barbie movie that she decided to plan out her own version of Barbie’s Dream House. She left this photo on my desk. Let’s check it out….

Dream House? Try nightmare.

Good heavens! This looks more like a still from the movie Eyes Wide Shut. What is happening to our beloved boss Pennytar? Is that a copy of this esteemed publication being burned in the fireplace? And…oh no, ME in the kitchen making HER a sandwich?! This is a step too far. She even made the Droid stay outside like he’s a dog, which I am not opposed to for the record. Let’s hope Mattel won’t be releasing this version anytime soon.

MUSINGS OF A FÜCH FAĆE
by Füch Faće McGee

Welcome to another edition of Musings, Füchamaniacs! This week, we’ll take a look at how Flovatar MFC is doing and I’ll answer a few more questions from the mailbag. But first, let’s get caught up on some HOT Bobble League action!

There’s a new team atop the Bobble League standings! The red-hot Space Pirates, led by JPMighty and Purple Rose, have overtaken the Border Hoopers by winning 12 of their last 14 matches. With two matches left to play, the Pirates need to only split their remaining two to capture first place in pool play and earn 12 Flovalympic points towards the overall standings.

The Hoopers currently have a firm grasp on second place with a two game lead over Throop’s Flovatarians. Along with Throop’s squad, 6 other teams find themselves mired in mediocrity, hovering right at or just below the .500 mark. And then there are the Aperhands and Streaking Dead squads…Best I can say for them is they have a chance at a fresh start once the tournament begins!

Speaking of domination, everyone’s favorite football club is currently 2-0 atop the Silver Division in League 6. Flovatar opened the alpha season with a convincing 4-1 beatdown of Västerort, led by strikers Achim Schubert and Kenth Bohlin with 2 goals apiece. The pair followed that up by each scoring again in their 3-2 victory over MFC Guanaco. Flovatar will look to keep the vibes immaculate with a match today against Zurich, which you can find here!

I know a lot of you were probably disappointed that I didn’t get to your questions last week in the first edition of the Füch Faće Mailbag. But good news! I had some time to get to a few more of your questions this week, so let’s jump right in and figure out this whole sports thing.

Is Wild Turkey 🦃 hunting the greatest sport ever!?
-Pauly

I’m not sure I’d go THAT far. But it’s probably the easiest sport ever. The trick to hunting Wild Turkey is simple. You start by offering it a snifter of a little Pappy Van Winkle and then ask him “Do you think Justin Fields will get benched at some point this year?” Then you wait.

The Turkey will start ranting and raving about how the Bears have finally started to build around Fields. And that Chase Claypool was definitely worth that early 2nd round pick. Then The Turkey will eventually turn on your team. And this is when you strike! Don’t rush it, you’ll have a very large window to nab your Wild Turkey. It gets awfully wordy, especially if you’re a Cowboy fan. I think Turkeys hate the Cowboys more than they like the Bears. So while it’s distracted during it’s long, hate-filled diatribe, this is when you can slip up behind The Turkey and capture your prize. Happy hunting!

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
-Derp3x

It depends – African or European swallow?

Who is the best racer in Mario Kart?
-Mrs.Wildturkey008

This is an easy one for me – my racer of choice was always Yoshi. Together with that little green dinosaur, ole Füch Faće won many a Mario Kart GP. When I wanted to mix it up, I used Bowser or Princess Peach. Bowser because he looked mean and intimidating. And the Princess because it drove my sisters crazy when they couldn’t choose her.

It should be noted that I didn’t have much competition so my choice for who the best was never really tested. My main competitors were my two little sisters and they were terrible at Mario Kart. Actually they were pretty trash at every game we played. Mario Kart, Monopoly, WallBall…But you can only play the schedule you’re given, so that’s how it went down in the McGee household. Oh, and watch out for this Pauly character. I think he is trying to hurt you…

Sup! I’m a big-time sports guy. I like all of the sport balls, from the basket one, to bat one, and even the kicky one. How can I best show the world how horny I am for sports?
-Yolododo

Hey, great question Yolo! The first thing you gotta do is adopt the attitude of a cross-fitter. Or Vegan. How will anyone know you are into sports if you don’t constantly tell them? That is step one!

Next, when you’re walking around the office or hanging at a bar with your bros, throw out things like, ‘Catch the game last night?’ or ‘How ’bout those <insert local team>?!’. These questions are sure to get the conversation turned to sports, and at that point nobody will be able to doubt your horniness!

The last thing I’d suggest is to post nothing but sports related content on your socials. Sharing tweets from athletes. Selfies of you at games in your team’s gear. Or a countdown clock to the upcoming college football season. Pretty soon, all of your friends will know exactly what gets you goin’.

This guy does sports

That’ll do it for this week’s Musings! If you’ve made it this far, thank you! And if you didn’t, well…nevermind I’ll keep it classy. Look forward to chatting with you again next week, Füchos!

F.U.D News Staff

Pennytar- Founder & CEO
Straight from the circus, he was just clowning around one day online and stumbled into this wacky, low budget, and sarcastic news outlet.

J. Peterman- Chief Sarcasm Officer (CSO) / Fashionista
Once a top level executive at a clothing catalogue company, she finds herself here after an epic fail of an invention. The Urban Sombrero bankrupt the company in spectacular fashion. She now takes sarcastic jabs at outfits worn by flovatars with a better fashion sense than her.

Ron Flogundy- Lead Anchor
After being fired from a reputable news source, Ron found his way into the F.U.D News room. He gave the media outlet a look of credibility when there was none.

Füch Faće McGee– Head of Sportsball Division/Flovalympic Reporter
This Bulgarian-Irish born sports genius made a name for himself by having 1 too many whiskeys while trying to interview the Irish rugby team after a loss and causing a locker room brawl. Naturally, was a must hire for F.U.D.

Kid Chaos- Resident Movie/Horror Correspondent
Not sure where this mysterious dude came from, he kinda showed up out of the shadows. If you need any movie or horror input, he’s your guy. Just don’t get too close to him or make any sudden movements.

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